Theme: Cinque Terre
August 13-14
Check in
Self Criticism and Mental Wellbeing
For some of us, it is very hard to take feedback, or work through something, without criticizing ourselves. It might sound like comparison - ‘my work isn’t as good as theirs’ or it might sound like you trying to push yourself - 'this isn’t the best, it’s nowhere near good, I have to work harder’. And while it is good to put in your full effort, our self criticisms may get the best of us if we take it too far.
Self criticism is focusing or pointing out to yourself your own flaws in your personality, your relationships, your work, etc. Despite our past successes and wins, we berate ourselves over a one or two time loss or mistake. It can especially worse in an academic setting when there are hundreds, or maybe even thousands, of others we can compare ourselves to. This is in no way beneficial for our mental wellbeing. It can hinder our path to self compassion and paint ourselves in a negative light, well, to ourselves.
But we can over come self criticism by working with check in questions, with others, and with a little bit of reflection of how we can talk to ourselves in a healthy way.
Here are your check in questions:
1. What is one thing makes you happy even though you may not be the best at it?
2. In what situations may your self criticisms be incorrect? Self critical people might view themselves as incompetent or not hardworking. Be careful of that!
3. What is one time where you thought you didn't do well but it turned out okay at the end? What was your self talk like during that time? What are more positive words you would use now that it's over with?
Activities
How to accept feedback
Sometimes, it can be hard to receive feedback in any form - from friends, in school, from family etc. Those with self critical tendencies can feel especially hurt by feedback. Feedback can be good! It may not always feel good in the moment, but feedback shows that the person giving it is invested in your improving, provides a opportunity for growth, and can help you put the best foot forward.
Actively listen first: The most important thing is to listen. Try to understand the other person’s point of view. They are probably saying both positive and negative things, so try to focus on both.
Even when it seems mostly negative, try not to resist it. Those who resist negative feedback will likely not receive feedback in the future. I think this is something I can work on to, so we’re in this together :)
Ask questions: One of the worst things is to interpret the feedback wrongly. Clarify what they mean. You can even ask questions to understand the ‘why’ behind their suggestions. Receiving feedback doesn’t mean you have to sit and listen quietly; it can be a conversation.
However, there is a difference between constructive feedback and someone overstepping the line. For example, if a friend only finds ways to point out your flaws all the time, you might want to step away from their company for sometime because it’s your mental wellbeing first.
How to shift away from self criticism
‘Examine the evidence’ (Morin)
- Caught up in a particularly in a nerve-wracking moment, our thoughts aren’t the most rational. For example, if you think that you are going to mess up in a big presentation, write down all the reasons you think you’re going to do poorly, then write down all the reasons you’re going to succeed. You’ll find that the more rationally-backed reasons will be the ones on the side of success!
2. How would you comfort a friend in the same situation? Say those positive affirmations for yourself because you deserve that same care, too :)
- If you were to tell a friend they are going to great on that chemistry test, then tell that to yourself, too. When you reassure a stressed friend that no one will notice that small mistake they wrote on the white board in class, offer those reassuring remarks to yourself in tough situations.
3. Recognize exaggerated self criticisms and replace them with realistic statements
- For example, instead of ‘my teacher said this one sentence is hard to understand, the whole essay must be bad’, try ‘this one sentence could use work, but hey! this next sentence sounds pretty awesome. let’s try something like that.’
Resources
Processing difficult emotions for kids
A unique new series by Headspace for kids with Sam Snowden, a kids’ mindfulness expert.
Content belongs to Headspace.