October 15
What are Relationship Boundaries?
““Boundaries are guidelines and limits that we hold ourselves to internally and/or externally. Boundaries are agreements that we make with ourselves; they impact our relationships and interactions, as well as connection to ourselves.” - (Courtney Harris Coaching).
Let’s dissect this definition.
Boundaries are important!
Let’s learn what they are.
Guidelines and limits
Guidelines are like stoplights and dashed lines along a road. They tell us where to drive, when to stop, when to wait a little. Guidelines change for different scenarios (eg. driving on the highway versus driving in a school parking lot), but there are general rules that we must follow (eg. indicating when we are turning, following speed limits).
Agreements we make with ourselves
We have to make sure that our guidelines, when it comes to relationships, work for ourselves. In this aspect, it is not like driving - we must set our own boundaries and limits when it comes to friendship. At the same time, we must realize that others have done the same and we must respect their boundaries and limits.
Connection to ourselves
By setting boundaries for our relationships, we are showing respect for our mental wellbeing. With guidelines, we acknowledge that there are somethings that are good and bad for our mental wellbeing, and these limits can help us figure out how to fulfill our wellbeing needs as well as respecting others'.
What do you think of this definition? Do you have your own definition of setting boundaries?
how to set boundaries
1. Practice communication with friends
It is important to share what your boundaries are. It is equally important to ask and to know what your friends’ boundaries are. They may be similar, they may be different. Showing that you care about others’ boundaries will build a stronger friendship.
How to ask: “Are you okay for me to vent right now?” or “Is it okay that I talk about this subject?” or “How long do you have to chat? Or is it too late?” or “Are you comfortable with a hug?”
2. Share what you are comfortable with
Say: “Thanks for telling me this. I can definitely talk more about it, but right now, I am going through… (or I need to take a break from my phone/from talking about school/work)”
3. Acknowledge friends’ needs, assert your boundaries (the two are not mutually exclusive!)
How do you feel about asserting boundaries?
what do i do if my boundaries are not being respected?
Consider:
Who is crossing your boundaries?
Your response will be different if it’s your friend versus a parent or an acquaintance, etc.
Is this person willing to listen to you?
It’s hard to have a respectful conversation if the other person is not willing to listen. Ask this person when is the best time to have a conversation and ask them if they are willing to talk about this subject.
If they are not, you can consider letting a responsible adult know (if it is a serious or physical violation of your boundaries) or talk to another trusted individual. If this problem persists and the person refuses to acknowledge it after you’ve told them, you may want to reconsider if they should be your friend. Your mental and physical wellbeing is the priority here. Also, talk to a trusted adult to get help.
How long has this been going on?
Try to talk to the person as soon as possible. It is okay to feel scared, but hopefully, once you and that person talk it out, your boundaries will be re-asserted and respected. It is also okay to gently remind someone from time to time if you feel that they may be forgetting.
What to do:
Remind yourself and others what your boundaries are
Write it down so that you are staying consistent with asserting your boundaries. also write down if your boundaries change and let people know this.
Seek support
If you find it difficult to assert your boundaries with someone else, act it out with a trusted friend or other individual. It can help you practice what you want to say before going to talk with that person.
Learn to recognize these phrases:
“You’re just overreacting.”
“Calm down!”
“You’re being a little insensitive, don’t you think?”
“I didn’t know about that, so it’s not my fault”
There are many other tactics someone may use to make you feel guilty for asserting your boundaries. Recognize these kind of phrases and use ‘I’ phrases to assert your boundaries with this person. Examples:
I feel uncomfortable with you standing so close.
I feel uncomfortable when you swear/use those words.
When you said this, I felt ___ because my boundaries are _____.